Always Means Forever

the hobby horse

braking point // an alternative history

My Soul Magnifies The Lord

Haikus

Warning: These films contain nudity and look graphic, though the actual set up was fairly mundane. I hate vanilla pudding thanks to these shorts.

This is definitely not my favorite work, although I like the first, third, and final haiku. Somehow I managed to lose track of what a video haiku might be.

Ritual feat. T. Lou

90-second, in-camera edited study of light and shadow

halloween revisited

as it stands

31 Mon
1 Tue Research Proposal Due
2 Wed
3 Thu
4 Fri ART STAR party at Karina's
5 Sat
6 Sun Movie: My Left Foot

7 Mon Finalize Schedule. Read.
8 Tue Research Proposal Due
Possibility of Filming in King St station?
Movie: Lovely & Amazing
9 Wed Shopping Cart Dolly?
Movie: DogFight
10 Thu Film at Karina's: Atrium
11 Fri Capture and Look at Footage
Re cut Sheets
12 Sat Help Kaitlin
Re cut Sheets
Movie: Woman in the Dunes
13 Sun Edit Atrium
Finish up those damn Sheets

14 Mon Mussels in her Muscles
15 Tue Meet with Brixey?
16 Wed Mussels in her Muscles
17 Thu
18 Fri Cinematic bar moment? With Brazil nuts?
Amtrak Shoot? Need a well dressed crowd and
some talent. Pronto.
19 Sat
20 Sun Edit that shit. Now

21 Mon
22 Tue Get some feedback on cuts and as a suite
23 Wed
24 Thu And film in a grocery store again.
25 Fri
26 Sat
27 Sun

28 Mon
29 Tue
30 Wed
1 Thu
2 Fri
3 Sat
4 Sun

5 Mon Be done with: Sheets, Atrium, Beach

some places

the hall and atrium. there is a way inside. but why is it inside? it should be outside. everything is inside out.
the window to the beach. there are mussels in her muscles.
the bar. her attraction to brazil nuts was born not out necessity, but rather a conditioning driven by the idea that if you like the nuts no one else likes, you get to eat them all. let me tell you, this woman ate a lot of cauliflower.
the grocery store.
the train station.
the girls in the living room.
and peeing outside.

a proposal

My original interest in pursuing this class was the development of a new language for myself, one that communicates visually, through sounds, and emotion, rather than through words. For 453, I propose a return to this interest which will come about through a rigorous documentation and deciphering of my internal language and symbology, which can then be employed in my work in a way that makes sense to others. In addition, I would like to develop a much stronger camera language by dialing in on cinematography. Finally, I need to become educated, meaning: watch lots more films, read everything I can get my hands on, and refresh what I learned in art history.

So, how to go about this?

I have been enamored lately with the idea of settling down and going back to what first interested me in school: language. Having new and different words by which to express oneself causes a change in thinking, and thinking in one language lends a different perspective than does thinking in another: our internal language determines our mind's output because of the modes in which they can be communicated or not, and each language has its own nuances and syntax, elements that can be lost in translation. This can take many forms, whether we are referring to actual language (so, English versus Spanish causes a perceptual shift) but what about thinking in terms of images, sounds, music, tactility? What is the underlying logic of my internal language and symbology?
Once I can translate and interpret my own internal language, then the fact that I think in images does not pose the problem that it did last quarter: I had images in my head that mean something to me, and that I know are powerful, but why? I had a hard time articulating the meaning on my own because I did not know my own vocabulary. My inspiration technique needs to be refined, and I need to take a more active and informed role in constructing my ideas. This can be accomplished through two modes. The first is to explore my own symbology so that I can translate it into a language in which I can communicate universally (and articulate) what my images and films mean, how they make me feel and should make the audience feels. It comes down to semantics: I need to construct a visual language that is unique to me, but that can still communicate with a broader and diverse audience (ie, which isn't me). The second way to go about creating a vocabulary is to watch a lot more films as well as read about or see a lot of art, so that I know how others have communicated visually/aurally as well.
And in regards to an audience which isn't me: I also need actors which aren't me. I need to get out of my films and behind the camera. Part of my fear of relinquishing control of the acting is that I know exactly what kind of performance I want, but since I don't have a strong language internally, I cannot communicate how I want someone else to perform. But I am not an actor, and I think that my films will be much stronger if I can be behind that camera, constructing the mise en scene, and able to articulate direction to someone else, rather than in front of the camera constantly because "no one else could do it the way I could."
Script writing. I want to make a talkie. My interest is in languages and linguistics, and yet I have shied away from having any sort of dialogue in my films because I don't know my characters at all, and so I don't know what to make them say. In making a film with dialogue, I will need to understand the characters I construct on a much deeper level, instead of attributing meaning after the fact, in editing.
And cinematography. I need a stronger camera language too, not just a visual language. I want to make the camera a more active character. I want to make it move. And first, I think, I need to grasp a better understanding of camera language in general, since technology frightens me and I don't even know what is possible.
Hand in hand with cinematography comes greater experimentation. I want to construct something to aid me in camera movement (a rig? steadicam? dolly?) Eventually I want to work with real film... but the prospect is scary and I think for now dialing in on possibilities with DV or HD gives me enough work to do in one quarter.

So what format will my films take?

This is the hardest question for me to answer, since I have been wanting to make longer films, but I don't want to content to suffer because of the increased length. Right now I am thinking of making a series of short films that could potentially form a suite, although a focus on scripting and working towards dialogue might increase duration naturally. I am open to suggestions as to what types of films will best help me achieve and explore my goals.

dear audience,

i meant not to forsake you. i merely failed miserably at getting my videos in a format that would fit your tv or computer screen, viewable in the comfort of your own home.

but tonight i right my wrongs, and i write you, dear dear audience, to let you know that i have finally put at least some of my videos up. and here they are.

i love you.

Volvo v. 1

bed time story for an insomniac

once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who lived in a far away dungeon. she loved ice fishing and margaritas and she had a nice rack.

and the little gnome-toe named lefty seemed to be dead, but at the last moment he came back to life and smacked his bitch up.

and sometimes i confuse my dreams with reality.

particularly when i have been up for more than 24 hours. i haven't really done this since i took alli to beth's for breakfast when she was in the video series.

one fine day, i

Before enlightenment, the laundry.
After enlightenment, the laundry.


i want to create the feeling of an expanded consciousness and awareness, an out of body experience for my character, which the audience can observe as a dilation of a fleeting moment.

this Buddhist phrase captures the transience of the experience of an ultimate reality, while placing it in the context of the finite reality to which we are bound, complete with all its responsibilities and chores.

to communicate the time/space disruption i will draw on maya deren's "ritual in transfigured time" and "meshes of the afternoon" as well as alain resnais's "last year at marienbad" particularly the way the conversations are halted in resnais's film while the camera moves between characters. i want to do this to convey the out of body experience as well as the empathic aspect of complete understanding of another's perspective and oneness with the universe, while maintaining an individual identity (which will be expressed through the camera movement.)

hmmm. a lot of that sounded totally new age-y. i promise it is not.

CRIT v. 2.2.1

I am frustrated with my video. I went a performative route, thinking that the ideas I could communicate therein would be more compelling than a straight image. But apparently I failed at that, not cinematic enough to be a short film, not realistic/dramatic/bizarr-o enough to be a performance with any substance.

ouch.

I am still intrigued by the images but I do think that they would have been better suited to be part of a larger narrative. In my head I know exactly where I would want to reshoot and what my establishing shot would be and what the narrative arc would be, etc. However, my perfect location is in Great Falls, MT and not realistic to go do over any time soon.

I should move on. But its been only 12 hours since crit and I am still smarting from it. I feel like a failure lately.

oh so pretty

sorry no storyboards, but there is no story

+



+

pop the glock

glitter and gem stones, mother fucker.

cruisealicious.

hey mikey, i think she likes it!

and its about time, too.

i toyed with the idea of a chain reaction before realizing that each video does not have to be a chain reaction...

and i thought about the video i want to do with matthew at some point...

but i just thought of something better (at least something i want to do, which is always better, according to the new bronwynian laws of self government)...

my mom as a photograph on her wall of a bubble, but it doesn't look like a bubble at all, it looks like the earth, or like a fetus in a womb. 2001 Space Odyssey, anyone?

I'm not sure what I will do with it exactly, but it is an idea gestating in my brain, which is far more than I had to say at this time yesterday.

A snippet from a conversation last night: "Oh, I know what I'm doing this summer. Having a baby." More usable (although less entertaining?) than penile beatboxing...

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaiiiiiinzzzzzzzes every where you look around....

a chain reaction?

i am thinking that the actions/reactions are all part of separate narratives that are joined by graphical matches or match on actions to create a cohesive arc, even if the pieces are somewhat disjointed....

but wouldn't that be more like a title sequence than my title sequence was?

DERACINATE

Crit went well, there wasn't much in terms of negative feedback... and I wasn't dissatisfied with the project, and I didn't dislike it... but I just ddn't feel connected to it for some reason.

I think that the problem is more in my head, a "fear" of failing or of not being good enough or experimental or what the fuck EVER. I am working on getting over that.

food stuffs

one of these i would eat. the other... not so much.

sweater lint

a contradiction in terms (seemingly)

a film that can be touched but not seen. how vast is the liminal?

... and we're back!

break was full of exhaustion and burn out for me. I was de-motivated by my grade and totally sick of my work (especially after sitting in a bathtub full of crumpled plastic and paper for almost an hour on the solstice, watching videos I'd made over the quarter) but the first day of class was surprisingly refreshing and for as sheepish as I feel for giving my all last quarter (as opposed to giving more than my all, which I plan on doing this time around), I am excited once again! But this time around it's a more giddy, "I (we) can do it!" Rosie the Rivetter excitment, not the doe-eyed terrified excitement of last quarter.